Betrayal

How does one explain the pain of betrayal with words?

It seems this task is impossible as it is felt with the heart so deep,

So deep and painful that when it rises to the surface..

It causes a Stifled breath and tears to ebb forth.

Everything becomes blurry and the sadness that ensues is not something to put a word to.

How then does one explain putting on a mask,

Because life requires one?

How does one stop the questions,

The incessant nagging of self doubt from emerging.

How does one lie in bed next to the one who betrayed them..

Talk on the phone or say “I love you”

When those words create a pain so deep and the mind to immediately scream out

“no, you don’t love me, you love the idea of me.”

“You love the picturesque image of what having me by your side looks like”

At the end of this painful journey,

I will have known this pain and learned what it means,

I will hopefully have found a solution that sets my soul at ease,

Cut out the toxic people who cause pain and find my self worth when it seems like it will never return.

I will take the dirty looks and hurtful words

With understanding and poise.

This is what I hope for,

But how to speak my mind within the pain

That I cannot explain.

Perhaps one day I will.

Put words to a pain that’s so unthinkable,

One that I never thought I would have.

Yet now I face head on.

She who wears the crown

Smile easily,

Follow the intricately laid plan.

No deviations, no tears.

Hold it together.

Picture perfect Instagram story.

Choose words wisely,

The crown must not tip,

Your smile must stay sincere.

Not one line or hair out of place.

Do as expected,

You are not allowed

Feelings, choices, thought.

Unappreciated, rhythmic routine to stay sane.

Used, let the feelings stay in your heart-

Never let them show.

Heart shatters inside.

Mind, body and spirit screaming,

Heart aching for a happier time.

Not time yet.

Must maintain.

Written by Tabatha Goughneour , June 2019

Mask

Smile behind the mask

In a sea of plain expressions.

Fake laughs color the walls,

The paint peeling from injections.

A party designed to impress,

Hide the darkness,

Paint over the rust,

Put on your best dress,

The wall hides your beauty,

Flirt with the masses he must.

Waterproof mascara,

Is a girls true best friend.

A ring on a finger or two,

A paper signed.

Oaths and vows.

One heart blinded by love,

One with an agenda, drunken lies.

Excel spreadsheet life.

Lies,

Hold the mask on tight.

Loving heart in a dark molded room.

Breaks the chains-

Free thoughts

Free mind.

Smile, laugh and gain inner happiness

For the first time in years.

Mask held on with sweat and tears,

Gripped with tired hands,

In a room with newfound light and colors.

Heart full, eyes fully see.

Deviation to spreadsheet

Changed everything.

Made one better,

The other showed colors of truth.

Never the same again.

Written by Tabatha Goughneour June 2019

The one that got away..

Slipped right through,

Time’s click on the clock

Should have been the hour hand,

Not the minute hand.

Opportunity for a real love

Beyond expectations

In a life full of love, hope, passion.

Too fast, time passed right on by.

Quiet moments that shall have been loud,

Full of music, cups of coffee, poetry nights at Old Bayleys.

Forbidden, fear of rejection, bad timing.

The biggest regrets plague hearts.

Two hearts that would have been one.

One.

One beating, rhythmic heart in two bodies.

Forever.

Written by: Tabatha Goughneour , 2019

Painting: Salvador Dali

Forbidden dreams

Forbidden are the dreams that taunt us,

Luring us into sinful thoughts.

A lover’s kiss,

Momentary bliss

That leaves the taste of joy on one’s lips.

A lasting taste that lingers for days,

Pressing lips upon skin

In places only dreams can reveal.

Embarrassed, inability to talk

As memory serves delicious playback

Of a good night’s dream.

Forbidden.

Only living in the subconscious,

Beckoning them back for more.

Written by Tabatha Goughneour, 2019

Nightmare, a poem by Tabatha

The taste of your lips,

The cold of your touch.

You smile at me, burn my face

With your lava fingertips.

Your mouth opens to speak,

Smooth caramel colored lava covers my ears,

Razor blades slash at my arms.

I walk into your black painted room,

My body a grey color and yours the only colorful one.

We talk a bit,

Each word I feel a nagging at my arm.

The trigger now pulled,

You lie back on your bed.

White splattered on the wall,

All over me and my gaping mouth.

Your body looks unharmed and peaceful.

I walk away backwards stepping quietly in horror.

You stand and slowly follow,

I see your eyes of pure white,

Your grin of rotting teeth and bleeding gums stops the breath in my chest.

I start to run and you slash at my legs

With your sword of lies.

I hit the ground and you decapitate me with that wicked smile on your face.

My head rolls to the bedside, mouth open and my face pained.

My eyes cry black tears,

Blinking through them I see you.

We are sitting in your room again,

Nothing out of the ordinary.

I frown and you laugh “What’s the matter babe”?

I see the familiar sparkle in your eyes and feel the caramel smooth drawl of yours that charms me every time.

I sigh softly and lie back,

Just a dream.. just a really bad dream.

I gaze up to the ceiling and turn my head to face you.

Your eyes begin to melt as you laugh,

Smelling of death and sin.

You reach out and touch my face,

Burning my face like charcoal.

I began to scream and wake alone in the dark.

I lie awake afraid to sleep..

Ever again..

Darkness, a poem by Tabatha

The darkness is calming,

I love to sit in my dark room

Listening to music soft and slow.

Why is everyone afraid of the dark?

It makes me feel serene,

Nothing to see but the black emptiness, cold but full of a quiet unlike any other.

It’s easy to think about things in the darkness,

There’s nothing to advert my thoughts,

No one can see me and I can’t see them.

The only sound other than music is my breathing and the sound of my heart

Beating eagerly in my chest.

Why must we always have a light on?

We could see the beautiful stars,

The reflection of the moon on the river

If you would be willing to enjoy this darkness.

Look out at the city below and all their lights,

They have their joy and I have mine.

In the darkness I blend in,

No one can gawk at me like I’m a freak,

I don’t have to deal with the stares, all the eyes:

It’s just me with the best camouflage for this kind shade of light.

Me and my heartbeat

Me and my breathing.

Come, join me in the darkness and let’s melt away with the quiet still of the night;

Letting our hands clasp and our hearts beat as one.

In the darkness.

Just another day, a poem by Tabatha

Feet deep within the earth’s divine soil,

I reach out my arms,

Lift my heart,

Center my thoughts to feel the pitter-pattering on my soul,

Like I have starved for the touch of anything, or anyone to make me feel again.

My soul secretly yearns for the sun’s

Warm welcoming rays.

The way it dries up each droplet of pain

So no one can see, and I can continue wearing a mask.

I dig deeper

Filling my soul with hope, desire and drench my sorrows as the cold creeps in.

Unwelcome, unworthy, not capable of being loved.

Center my thoughts

Love the shallow pool around my naked feet, as if it were my solace..

My only way to ever really feel again.

Somehow the emptiness, the loneliness quells inside my brain and puts its dark sticky web around my golden heart,

While it numbs itself in my thoughts,

So I can function.

When did life become about merely being able to function..

Slowly melting into the earth,

I put on a happy face,

Let my positive nature and hopeful heart shine through.

So no one will see,

No one will question

The droplets of rain still hanging onto my hair,

To my cheek and freezing my fingers.

Subtle reminders that I am not okay, but I am strong and will go on.

Let the sun warm my bones and the love in the world and potential for a good day transform me.

Just another day…

Another day.

(C) Tabatha Goughneour written 3/20/19

Invisible, a poem by Tabatha

I just want to disappear, be invisible.

To not be seen nor heard.

Just bask in the sun,

Let the pain drain into the earth with the swirls of mist gather around me.

Let the now falling rain wash my face

Wash the mud that splatters my heart.

It drains from my pores and soils the earth.

All the sorrow, all the heartache.

Everything I have ever cried over is flowing into the earth beneath my feet.

Maybe a flower will grow there,

Maybe someone will see,

That I have existed, loved and lost and tried,

Maybe they will see my traces of life there.

For now I just want to be invisible.

(C) Tabatha Goughneour 2008

Bare existence, a poem by Tabatha

Pick at me to death,

Judge my ever word, every move.

You got me all wrong,

You don’t see who I am.

Misconceptions of every kind,

You stab at me with your eyes.

I cry into a muffled night,

Darkness consumes my heart.

Lying here to die,

For an injustice of your mind.

I’m too stealthy, too quick.

My words cut your conscience

Like a hot blade on ice.

Can’t take these words back,

I never meant to make you cry.

It’s brutal honesty,

In the rawest form.

Now I rot here forever

Caged, naked..

My mind raped and scarcely breathing.

Let me out , let me be me.

You have the damn key.

(C) Tabatha Goughneour 2008